Chaos, Stillness, and Breaking Old Patterns
Sigh. I’m just gonna say it. I really like to party lol.
My counsellor pointed out that what we lacked most in childhood is usually what we chase most as adults. And it makes sense. As many Asian children of immigrant parents already know, freedom is not exactly in their vocabulary. And growing up amongst white kids who got to do what they wanted, when they wanted (grass is greener and such), it was stifling and frustrating to be expected to go straight home to practice piano, do homework (if there was none, they invented some for me), and read if I had spare time.
I had a lot of spare time.
Reading showed me a world I couldn’t have. While it seemed the rest of humanity was experiencing devastating romance, dire adventure and the entire breadth of human emotion, I was stuck in loneliness and boredom. I craved freedom. I craved chaos.
It wasn’t until I went to Ireland one summer to “find myself” that I took the full bull that I’d been missing by the horns. And hence began a glorious, messy, and somewhat traumatizing decade of unadulterated hedonism.
When the pandemic first hit and things started shutting down, I was struck with fear at what this change would mean. But while being forced back into stillness when I had spent over ten years chasing chaos was a shock to the system at first, much like a cold plunge ice bath for sore muscles, it was exactly what I needed. I deepened my yoga practice, and came home to myself. I came back to the things I thought were “boring,” which now in my adulthood became soothing, namely, going straight home after work to practice piano, do homework (if there was none, I invented some for me) and read if I had spare time.
I had a lot of spare time.
And this time, reading showed me a world I could have. I realized that I could choose my thoughts, rather than have them steer me in a direction that would ultimately cause more pain. I realized I could have peace, even when chaos existed outside.
And then, two years after the country first shut down, things reopened. The floodgates of chaos burst wide and swept me down the river and over the waterfall and into the churning abyss of all the addictive pleasures that brought back all my old patterns in full force.
And chaos is not all bad. Chaos provides opportunities for change. During this period I expanded my social circle and met loving people I’m lucky to have in my life. The problem is not the chaos. The problem is my response to chaos. When I’m mindful, I can reap the benefits. When I’m not, I feed into it and get pulled in deeper. Consumption, both by and of chaos, is not an unfamiliar feeling.
When we fall back into old patterns, it can feel like we’re regressing. We do it because part of our brain tells us that this is safety, that discomfort can be “fixed” by something external, because as children we were told we were powerless. And it feels easier to believe the brain and reach for comfort, because healing and progress is never easy, nor, as I’ve learned, can they be linear.
As I was thinking about this last night, I gave myself so much anxiety just thinking about okay, well, if I’m in this situation, I’ll do this. I’ll make rules. But maybe in certain situations there should be exception for these rules. Ahh but that’s a slippery slope Vera a rule’s a rule. But when have I ever succeeded with rules? All the time. I still like to break them. And so on.
And then I realized, I don’t have to decide this all right now. Every moment we’re alive is an opportunity to choose. And that’s the best part. I have no idea how I’ll feel tomorrow, the next week, the next month, the next year. And that’s okay, because it doesn’t have to be perfect. Our brain is designed to keep us safe, not happy, and therein lies the issue. Sometimes, we operate from our wounds, rather than our heart. Recognizing this is the first step in operating from a place of truth. Knowing that this is an old pattern helps me focus on the new. Listening to my body helps me quiet the mind. Stillness allows us to discern which thoughts in the mind are true, and which are old patterns coming to “save” us. The right decision is always there. If I listen, it’s always been there.
