Don't do all the things. Just do one.

The other day Noah and I were talking, and we realized, neither of us were hearing each other.

Understanding each other.

Seeing each other.

We were both doing things we thought the other wanted, and frustrated it wasn’t working. “What more do you want?” was the question on both of our minds.

But we were asking the wrong question.

The question we needed to be asking each other wasn’t, “what more?” but simply, “what?”

“What’s the one thing you need?”

Sometimes it’s so much easier to fulfill checklists than it is to ask. To feel like we’re accomplishing a lot because we’re doing a lot. So we spend all this time and energy trying to get a result. A result that we’re guessing is what the other person wants.

Why do we guess?

We often think we know the answer but it’s based on our own desires and values. Not the person we’re trying to help, to love.

If we’d only pause to consider what’s the one thing that will actually make a difference, we’d save so much time and energy.

It seems like too often we do all the “nice-to-haves,” and let that get in the way of the must-haves.

Asking is simple, but as was apparent in this case, and the many before it, not easy.

We’ve been conditioned to feel like we should already know. That there’s some shame with asking. Asking for help. Which is what asking about needs is.

“Can you help me understand you more? Love you more? I feel ashamed I don’t already know.”

Sometimes we can take our words for granted. We can take the ability to speak for granted.

We can even take being listened to for granted.

None of these things are a given. In silence the truth is always revealed. What we don’t say, out of fear of hurting the other person. Out of fear of feeling like we’ve failed.

How might you use your voice in a way that honors its sacredness? Would you be willing to have the courage to say what needs to be said? To have the patience to dissolve the words that are unnecessary, untrue, or unkind? To know that from now on, your words hold as much power as the very life you were given?

It doesn’t need to be so hard, so complicated.

Rather than doing all the things, just do the one thing that is most needed.

Rather than searching for all the right words to say, just say the one thing that they most need to hear.

And you don’t have to know.

You can, you’re allowed to, and it’s safe - to ask.