Why Abstinence Doesn’t Equal Recovery

In early sobriety, I often had nightmares about using again.

“Oh no, I’m back to square one.”

“My sister will be so disappointed. I’ve let everyone down again.”

“What’s wrong with me, why can’t I stop? I was doing so good.”

Abstinence was the sole focus because I was still taking an all-or-nothing approach. A perfectionist approach. An “anything but that” approach.

What this caused was a great deal of anxiety around what I did, who I saw, what I thought. I would judge myself harshly if cravings came up. I was terrified at how I would react in situations I couldn’t control. I avoided people in general because I wasn’t sure how to show up without some sort of chemical security blanket.

And in order to cope with the anxiety, I adopted other behaviours as salves. When I was first quitting cocaine I used cannabis. When I quit alcohol and cannabis I used sugar. When I was quitting sugar I used overeating.

There is always a distraction for what we don’t want to feel or pay attention to.

There are always other more “acceptable” addictions to replace more reviled ones.

We only need to look around and see how many of us are looking at a cell phone to confirm this (myself included).

When talking about recovery, one of the most common questions is how long? How long have you been sober? How long have you been clean? And for so many of us, this is a measure of our dedication to our health, well-being, and life.

What I’m coming to find is that recovery is about so much more than just the time since I last used. It’s about all the other aspects of my life that I’ve built so that willpower no longer comes into question. It’s about the environment I’ve cultivated in my home, work, and social life that supports the peace that’s led me to sobriety, and staying there with ease.

Even in moments of doubt. In moments of anger. In moments of sorrow. In moments of grief. Strength isn’t something you find when you wake up one day and decide to stop drinking or using. Strength is built over time, because of that choice. It’s the choice that carries you through.

And making that choice every day can look vastly different. It can require different actions, different support. Some days that could look like more movement, some days more rest. Some days it’s a long conversation with a friend. Some days it’s radio silence. Some days it’s hustling hard to do the work. Some days it’s letting things go, and recognizing it doesn’t have to be all done now, all at once.

There is no one road to recovery. There can’t be, because everyone’s experience and story is so different. What is the same though, is that love, in the form that is relatable, and felt, is what will get us to the other side. “Not the ones speaking the same language, but the ones sharing the same feeling understand each other” (Rumi).

Abstinence alone keeps the focus on the outside - simply looking at if there’s been use of the substance or not. It causes us to label things as absolutes - “good” vs “bad,” “success” vs “failure.” It can trigger feelings of being forced to do something, feelings of powerlessness, which may have been our initial reason for drinking or using in the first place. This continues the cycle of shame and helplessness, and isolation.

Recovery is about getting curious about what causes us to want to use or drink in the first place, and then “touching with mercy and tenderness that which we previously touched only with fear” (Frank Ostaseski, The Five Invitations). Rather than thinking we’re failing because we still crave something, or feeling shame and guilt because we “gave in”, sobriety recognizes the progress that we’re making in a journey that requires our presence every day, leading to something that can last a lifetime.

Recovery is about the healing of both our outer and inner worlds. About changing the environment and energy we choose to be around. About being mindful of our thoughts, emotions and actions. And recognizing that we have choice in all of it. When we realize that the only environment we have full control of is what goes on within us, the world becomes a much kinder place to be in.